September

With the beginning of September, my notebooking starts in earnest. I did some priming of the pump last week, and I've joined Edie Wadsworth for a more guided, encouraged, and spurred-on version of this month. I always use autumn (I count September in there too--so I start with my birthday, which is TODAY!) as a time to take stock: a jumping off point, so that hopefully I continue throughout the whole "school year" with the journaling, studying, and awareness necessary to expand my mind and love my life.
(apologies for the Paul-ine sentences)

So yesterday, at Edie's prompting, I took stock, made notes, and 'rated' certain areas of life that are important to me. And I cried.
It takes brutal honesty with oneself, to make progress, and often that is the very thing I run from. I hide the truth from myself because I don't want to deal with it with God. Because facing that kind of hurt or discontent or shame is brutal. I hate admitting that I'm unhappy, because I know I have a beautiful life. I don't like thinking about bad habits until I know how to fix them (which of course won't happen till I face them)...

But with these kinds of assessments, it's easy to get caught up in where you're stuck: to feel that it will necessarily be a long time before you're better again--to believe that you cannot walk in wholeness before you've addressed all your struggles and confusions. But my Bible-reading this morning reminded me--Jesus invites us to walk in HIS wholeness. To simply look to Him. 
He came for the broken.

Yes, healing can be a journey, a long troubled road. Sanctification is long-term, ruts are real, and addressing old wounds can be necessary. 
But don't let that stop you from walking straight into the arms of Jesus now. 
Don't turn away from His smile.
Walking with your head held high is always appropriate with the Father and Brother we've got.

"Therefore if anyone is Christ he is a new creation: the old has passed away, behold, the new has come!" -2Cor.5:17

That passage was at the top of my devos this morning, and I immediately, went: yess🙌: Don't let grief over your sin keep you thinking about it and identifying with it. Hurl it from you. You are a new creation. Of course we may have to do that again tomorrow (probably). But don't let shame keep you from walking away: "Go, and sin no more" Jesus says. In another of the passages from my morning, He even says, "neither do I condemn you" --Think of that!

I turned to Psalms next, and today's reading was chapter 51. And for some reason today, this familiar passage felt like a particularly gracious invitation. This broken-hearted passage addressing sin and shame and depravity, was for me today, a smile.
We are not left to ourselves. Laid out before me were the words to say: a prayer of repentance and faith, needing only my heart behind it. An invitation to call my sin sin, ask to be emptied and refilled, that I might turn and praise--turn and teach others the very truth of God that has so lifted me.
Forgive me by your power and love, and restore me to your delight.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit." -Ps.51:12

This does not lessen the need to seize your life with both hands, but increases it. This didn't dampen my mood for a September of transformation: it established it. Jesus has smiled upon me, and by his light, I will see glory again. 
It's a reminder that this CAN be day one. A clean slate.
Come to Me. Be made new.
"if you tarry till you're better, you will never come at all"

Because it's cyclical, you see. I knew that there was no way I could motivate myself, or face my baggage, without the smile of God. And I knew that all my rubbish warranted anything but that. And yet, with my eyes cast down, how could I see the Lion's tears? Does He not care more about it than even you do yourself?

When I began, even in my numbness, to write it down... to let myself be broken by the truth... what did He send through the cracks in my soul? Sunshine. Dandelions. A new day. A whole year of newness.
I begged from my blankness that He change my desires, He answered.
Open your hands. He will fill them.

"I hear a sound I recognize
You lift my chin, and seek my eyes.
A song of love you sing to me
I ache to sing it back to thee"

My yoga teacher says, "don't decide where it ends". But every time we step onto the mat we decide where it begins. Here. Step onto the mat. Turn to look to Jesus. Breathe in; breathe out. The hardest part is over. You have begun.
Do you want to want Him?
Ask. He loves to give.