Retrospect

Well, here comes my annual year-end post. I am drawn inexorably to write it each year, despite the fact that I'm always a little fuzzy on what I actually want to write about. This dilemma is worsened by the fact that it is inevitably written during the flurry of Christmas-time. Hopefully I'll get a chance to work on this post more during my few days off... maybe even dig up some inspiration for my 2019 post, which of course, is just around the corner.

As difficult as the small moments can be throughout the year, as deep as the trenches get, as far as the horizon feels away... I always love to look back on the year and all its hurdles and glories, the vast sweep of landscape crossed. While in the thick of it, what you feel is the endless climb (and God willing, the grass beneath your feet); but looking back you can appreciate the achievements and the ground covered. You can see the hills and valleys for their architectural interest, and appreciate them like art. That's not to say you now understand the meaning behind all the roughages, and those deep difficulties, but it's now like a story with plot and spin and intrigue, and hope for the pages ahead. The dark shadows on the underside of things show off the light playing about on top. This painting has its moody bits, but would you fault the artist? I like the rain

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks 2018 was a very long year. It seems to stretch out behind us strangely, and I can't believe the number of things that have happened...

House-hunting, and cleaning out the Pineapple House, and moving into my Dandelion Den in the Burrow, was all less than six months ago. I feel like I've been 24 forever. I can't figure out if my visit to Maryland was recently or a long time ago...
Back in the recesses of my 2018 memory was a glorious May that felt like half a summer because I spent almost every day hiking outdoors for hours and hours. I went from winter-palor-of-death to positively brown, in about two weeks. And then I promptly lost my tan because it rained so much during that summer I can't quite remember.
I've been going to Cities Church since Easter, and I can't imagine going anywhere else. Before that I visited South Carolina. And before that is blurrier still -- the black hole of winter, in which I read a flock of great books, took two Hillsdale courses, house-sat for different people, and sang for worship every Sunday, despite some pretty crippling depression.

And then there are the little things through the year that just don't feel so little. Those turbulent nights of the soul that stretch your personhood and force you to look at your wounds, allow them to throb, and beg the Healer to do what He loves to do. Those moments when your mind is scattered and fearful, or your heart feels bruised, or the space feels empty. When your muscles, especially those of motivation and meaning, are burning and begging. Those are the moments that bring you to grips with who you are and who God is.

These things which force us to cling to God are precisely what brings growth to our soul, and strength of mind to face what lies ahead with hope and faith. Experiencing the faithfulness of God through all that last year brought, is what helps us enter into each next year without fear.

And of course, my life is full to brimming with innumerable blessings, spread lavishly throughout my year and bringing hope and light to my days. And I want to be increasingly aware of these. It can be easy to take these for granted, to overlook them in weariness or discouragement. But the truth is, there is such beauty all around! Let's list just a few here...

Cities Church
 - my new church has changed so much about my life this year! My soul has been so nurtured by the sermons and the worship, and my community groups provides a place for fellowship, edification, and growth.

Wonderful coworkers
- seriously, these people make me glad to get to work each day; conversation, camaraderie, and a great deal of laughter and encouragement come out of my work hours. These people are straight-up gifts.

I visited South Carolina and Maryland (&D.C.)

Learned to roast coffee

Played soccer every Thursday throughout the summer

Found my own home to live in! {Dandelion Den}

Went on vacation with my family up north

Helped host some worship nights

Wrote a short story

Did the Whole30

And layered between these, and all throughout the year are the little moments that mean the most to you. When someone spends time with you when they didn't have to. Or when you read a book that's just so good you can't believe it. Or when you laugh until you cry because of something you found on the internet. Or when you feel the presence of God right beside you as you drive your car. Or when you are astounded by the beauty of trees and rocks and streams. Or when you watch the sunrise over the lake, and then a sunset the same day, with loons crying in the distance. Or when you find the mot juste. Or get a great hug. Or have the first sip of coffee on one of those days. Or when you do something ridiculous but are able to just laugh outright, because you feel safe. Or when a workout feels easy. Or when cooking is just so comforting. Or when a movie makes you laugh, and cry, and sing (Mary Poppins Returns). Or when you think of traveling the world. Or realize you have enough time for a nap. Or when you have an amazing conversation that goes all over the place, covering such a host of fascinating topics that neither of you can decide how you got there.

I hope in the New Year, I will choose to remember these things. That these will be what I fill journals with, and prayers of gratitude with. Rather than leaving journaling or deep prayer for the moments of frustration, I hope I overflow with good stories, proclaiming the blessings of God. May my knowledge of pain, and my feelings for the aching weight of the world, bring strength to my profession of joy. May it bring authenticity to my declaration of the goodness of God. May my need make the beauty and salvation and patience of God seem ever greater.

Below are the books I read in 2018. As always, I wish it were longer. But days are full, and there's not enough coffee in the world to make me not need naps! I'm off to finish my post to start out 2019, but if you have any book suggestions (or questions!) I would love to hear. Comment below!

Innocence -Dean Koontz (reread)

Little Book on the Christian Life -John Calvin

A Gentleman in Moscow -Amore Towles

The Shadowland -Elizabeth Kostova

All the Light We Cannot See -Anthony Doerr

Orthodoxy -G.K. Chesterton (reread)

Everyone Brave is Forgiven -Chris Cleave

A Nice Derangement of Epitaphs -Ellis Peters

The Confessions of Brother Haluin -Ellis Peters

Touch Not the Cat -Mary Stewart (reread)

Life Together -Dietrich Bonhoeffer

The Burning Maze -Rick Riordan

Dragon's Tooth -N.D. Wilson (reread)

Drowned Vault -N.D. Wilson (reread)

Scent of Water -Elizabeth Goudge (reread) 

Empire of Bones -N.D. Wilson (reread)

The Beautiful Mystery -Louise Penny

How the Light Gets In -Louise Penny

The Loving Life -Paul Miller

The Chestnut King -N.D. Wilson (reread)

Tiger in the Smoke -Margery Allingham (reread)

No Love Lost -Margery Allingham

Black Plumes -Margery Allingham

Uneasy Money -P.G. Wodehouse (reread)

The Person of Jesus -J.Gresham Machen

The Unfinished Clue -Georgette Heyer

Footsteps in the Dark -Georgette Heyer

Death in the Stocks -Georgette Heyer

Daughter of Time -Josephine Tey

Miss Pym Disposes -Josephine Tey

It Starts with Food -Melissa Hartwig & Dallas Hartwig

Shepherds Abiding -Jan Karon (reread)

Wordsmithy -Doug Wilson

Thornyhold -Mary Stewart

Thunder on the Right -Mary Stewart

Short stories by P.G. Wodehouse

The Things of Earth -Joe Rigney

A Study in Scarlet -Arthur Conan Doyle (reread)

All You Need to be Impossibly French -Helen Frith Powell

Christmas Beginning -Anne Perry

The Dark is Rising -Susan Cooper (reread)

The Reluctant Widow -Georgette Heyer (reread)